Friday, March 30, 2007 @9:15 AM
today was officially the worst day of all in 2007.i honestly cried the most today.i dont know what was spencer's problem with me today.why did he have to scream at me, and only me, like that?why did have to throw sab's pencilcase at me?why did he say my work is sloppy when i'm getting decent grades?the worse was how i felt that i did not seem to matter. all i was, was nothing but a wrench, a scorn in his eyes, just today, only today. no one seem to have seen me cry to myself, burying my tears so as to not further anger the giant man. no one but sab ask me if i was fine, or even took noticed. i wasnt the only one who didnt do the work, i wasnt the only one who didnt read the book, but why me? i really wanted to scream at him to "stop it!", especially when he threw the pencilcase at me. i wanted to throw it back in his face and scream "fuckyou! you anal shit!" but i knew it was my fault in the first place. i just tried to leave as fast as i can, i wanted to so much leave the hell he created. thankgod huiying was outside, she was there to hear me out and be there for me as i sobbed to myself. she cheered me up, but what he says still haunts me.even when what! listened patiently to what happened later on, i still cry (again).why me?this is like mr nair in sec 3 all over again when he sent me out of class. but this time, i wouldnt be able to get top grades in lit, unlike how i did with history back then.today was the worst.evrything i loved turned against mewhat! was angry at me for what i said last night.he seem so determined not to speak with me, even when i woke up at 4am in the morning crying to myself, i didnt dare to call him. the nightmares were terrible. but i fear what if he hung up on me again? i know it would be so much worse.and even after spencer, i didnt dare to call him immediately. i dont know if he had forgiven me yet. it seemed like an eternity before we speak again. and even then, i felt detached, insecure, as if he would lose interest in me because of my insecurities. would can stand a girl who crys all the time?i'm not emo.emo is being sad for no reason.i'm sad for so many reasons.i know that i have to trust him, but how much trust did i have left in me after such a mental, emotional trauma i went through?even in dance, i silently hid my sorrows.the instructor was questioning my abilities as a dancer, saying constantly what i did was wrong and how ugly my movements are. am i really that bad a dancer? all that matter to me now is my friends, what, dance and school.but everything seemed to go haywire today.whats wrong with me?i kept crying on the way home, hey, a record of at least 4 times of tearing in that mere 2hours we spent. my brain seem to make everything worse by playing silent virtual images of what happened in my head that made it impossible to forget the hurt.and seeing my blasts from the past arent that great either.nothing's going my way today.and all i want to do is crawl up in my bed and cry again.cherlyn's right.since primary school, i've been such a crybaby.and i still am, even worse now, i think.well it is the worst day of 2007.i am entitled to cry all i want.well today beat 2007 valentine's day hands down.the chinese fortune teller thing was right.this arent a good year, at all.oh valentines day! what a horror! the day i cried myself silly over us. it seems like ages since then but the hurt stays unchanged. it seemed impossible at first but i believed so much that i could make it work. so much so that it back fired and led to the big break. gah! what a year it has been.
today was officially the worst day of all in 2007.and now i dread spencer's tutorials and lecturesoh just kill me, i beg you.